4th Kind.

I love scary movies. Only starting the day after I watch them. :) That's because I love the experience the director can create, where my reality becomes this total environment of fear, and that being all I can see for the foreseeable future. Time does its magic though, and I come back to Earth and the fear catalyzes into courage. But it's those moments where my floor is shaken beneath me and I feel like this scary force has uprooted me is what I love but HATE at the same time.

When I'm in that fear microcosm, I don't know what to do, but there's a little voice in the back of my head that says... it's not real. It's that burning thought in the back of my mind that keeps my hope alive and a millimeter away from going mental.

Knowing this, I love this controlled way of toughening me up by getting out of my comfort zone of what I can tolerate. During a scary portion of a film, yeah, I absolutely loathe them because I become my 7 year old self that has all of the layers of education, propriety, and norms stripped of me, and I'm just a scared girl trembling. Wonderful.

4th Kind really did me in. It was really that good. I hadn't been scared like that in years. I never heard of the film, but my room mate suggested we watch it and I had an open mind to oblige. I nearly fell asleep since it moved so slowly at first.

But there were a few scenes, all including 'real footage' that really really got my heart palpitating and scared. Me thinking the film footage was real, SCREAMED out loud. I never scream out loud. It just took me aback so much because I thought this was a ... documentary/reenactment type film of sorts. My roommate kept saying, W.T.F. and at the time I thought it was a subdued reaction compared to what I felt, but in actuality, that's how he actually expresses visceral fear. :) HAHA. People are so different, eh?

Another scene that totally got me was the explanation near the end of the film where they questioned Dr. Abigail Tyler about where her daughter was. She said slowly and methodically, "How do I remember ... something they want me to forget?
I thought about this question, and I had no answer. And it gave me the eerie feeling of conspiracies which left me unsettled. I also thought about that aliens weren't dangerous and were fun creatures, but this film definitely painted them as a force that isn't quite God but certainly tries to be.

This film made Nome, Alaska into a troubled place where it is unforgiving and unexplainable. Today's age of modern crime and terrorism is something I can wrap my head around. There's a motive, it's a well known movement, but alien abductions making disappearances out of people and scapegoats out of others left my mouth gaping. This system played no favorites and that really scared me.

After the film, me and my roommate did research and it basically came down to the fact that it was NOT a real story and the real portions of the film were strung together possibly and the character of Abigail Tyler does not exist. There was no missing daughter. That family was created and the stories were probably skewed to make a compelling story and drama.

I was duped :(. But before I knew the truth, I remembered what it felt like to be scared. And I'm glad I got what I came for! I got out of my comfort zone again. :)

Honor.

My roommate told me a story this weekend that really woke me up on a quality I really admire. Honor. It's enmeshed with honesty and integrity really.

It's a long story but it boils down to, a friend had a birthday, and this friend had way too many drinks. His friends, while there surrounding him, did nothing to intervene when he nearly got arrested.

It almost brought tears to my eyes when I heard him vehemently declare that these so called 'friends' stood by idly and watched him spiral downwards. I've been an innocent bystander. That was my past life. So I felt like he was talking directly at me, my former self. But then I felt so much of my new self talking, when he became so passionate.

I didn't expect that from him and it makes you think.

Running.

I've been reading a whole lot as of late, and it's been very therapeutic for me. I read for leisure while in elementary and middle school. It waned drastically in high school and barely existed in college. The books I read were assigned, and I put as much of myself into the experience of college as I could. I don't regret that at all.

But now is a period of change. I've started working. I've begun reading again. I've set a new huge goal for me to set my sights on. I haven't announced it to everyone, but I will complete an Ironman. Yes. I feel like it's the ultimate physical test.

While researching this event, I learned about ultramarathons. Ultramarathons are distances far greater than 26.2 miles. Some are 50 miles, and some are far more. My jaw dropped when I read this. I suppose I only scratched the surface at the possibility of what we humans can do. :)

An excerpt of an ultramarathon book fascinated me. The thesis of it was that civilized man has forgotten the roots and enjoyment of running. It is treated as an exercise which is loathed and not a liberating experience that is the equivalent of moving meditation. The book asserts that it is freedom.

I let that thought ruminate in my head for a long time.

I began to run again. I started running around a trail near home and since I departed after 7pm, I gave myself the stopping point of 'when it gets dark', naturally.

It was windy and I was nearly blown sideways as I ran on this trail of gravel. There are inclines and declines, and I just felt happy to have this sort of control back. I just let the experience soak in and didn't beat myself up for stopping, but pushed those notions of getting to my personal best aside and thought to myself -- just enjoy the movement and everything else will come later. I looked towards the sky and it was gorgeous. It was all sorts of pinks, purples, and blues. I thought I was so blessed to run on a trail all by myself, to be in my own quiet, and to reach a sense of peace I can only imagine ultramarathoners feel. I was going back to basics, which is my overarching goal.

It's been a really reflective few weeks for me, as I've questioned a lot of assumptions about life and the way I live it. I do this to become more self-aware, to continually improve, to learn about other ways people live their lives, and to become more mature in my thoughts as I re-examine them.

Today the bottom of my shoe started peeling off after my run. It was very fitting as a metaphor I thought. As I start to exercise my mental muscles again, it will peel away the layers. What shall I find underneath?

Inner Calm.

I feel like I have inner calm most days, and I'm proud of myself for keeping on a pretty good track record with my eating and fitness habits. I truly believe that when your mind, body, and soul align you're on your way to true fulfillment and happiness.

I've had a sore throat and to be quite honest, I've had sick symptoms since Saturday. I've had some coughing, sneezing, and other things. It's been a pain to go to work this way.

I called my stepparents to let them know how my new big girl job is going, since another one of my personal goals is to be a more considerate person, especially to my family. I was leaving work, and my sore throat sounded SO TERRIBLE, there were moments where my dad could not understand me. I had to stand back and laugh at the situation to be truthful. He didn't understand, but I tried to inform him the best I could with short and loud sentences that I was fine, work was good, and I didn't know why my voice was tragic.

I went home around half past 6, and I ended up taking a nap and feeling good that I touched base with them.

I woke up a little later, and found my phone blown up from my step mom's calls and voicemails signifying that she and my dad were already on their way.

I was shocked, but bracing myself for it. I called her back, and she re-affirmed what I already knew. I was really touched that they decided to come see me and give me medicine even without me really wanting or asking. I really was okay, I could have easily went to get medicine myself.

They both arrived, and my brother was caught off guard, and they delivered PHO (OH MY GOD I LOVE MY STEPPARENTS), Dayquil, cough drops, snacks, and some more food.

Wow.

I think about their consideration and care, and I can nearly cry. The next day when I finally sat down and had the pho, it was the most comforting thing I've had in a while. It really meant a lot to me, and was probably one of the nicest things anyone's ever done for me, and I sincerely appreciate it.

Moments like those make life worth living. I need to call them and tell them how much I love them and how amazing the pho was.

Then and Now.

Sometimes when I feel like I am plateauing in my growth and that I haven't achieved real strides of progress I start to think about where I started. It's so far from where I am now, and I need to remember that.

I used to always drink sodas and loved white breads and ate lots of fried foods.

But I believe strongly in this quote: "When we know better, we do better."

I don't think twice about opting to drink water or juice instead of a soft drink, is one behavior that is far different than my childhood years.

Additionally, I remember all throughout my child and teen years, I never wore a bikini. I just wouldn't do it. I didn't have the self-confidence and I didn't work out. Now, it's all I wear when I'm lounging poolside or at the beach but I have to remember, I didn't start there. It was a huge and slow steady race that I finished.

I wasn't the one to strike conversation with a stranger in line and I wasn't one to offer a smile at others without cause. My modus operandi was to be quiet and let others know me. My face, often expressionless.

I don't have to be able to do an Ironman tomorrow. But I know that if I change my life slowly, for the better, and become stronger, faster, and healthier than I was yesterday, then I WILL GET THERE.

This post is to celebrate the journey I've taken. I've become more positive, smarter, stronger, healthier, loving, and considerate than I've ever been - in my humble opinion.

The Harold Song.

This is a song by Ke$ha and it's about missing the one who got away.

Who knew that a Ke$ha song could bring me to my knees?

I Miss Your Soft Lips,
I Miss Your White Sheets.
I Miss The Scratch Of Your Shaved Face On My Cheek.
And this is so hard,
Cause I didn't see,
That you were the love of my life and it kills me.
I see your face in, strangers on the street.
I still say your name when I'm talking in sleep.
And in the long light, I play it all fine.
But I can't handle it when I turn off my night light.

But I can't handle it when I turn off my night light.

[Chorus]
They say that true love hurts,
Well this could almost kill me. Young love murder,
That is what this must be.
I would give it all,
To not be sleeping alone.
The life is fading from me,
While you watch my heart bleed. Young love murder, that is what this this must be.
And I would give is all,
To not be sleeping alone.

[Verse Two]
Remember the time we, jumped the fence when the Stones were playing, and we were to broke to get in.
You held my hand and they made me crawl.
Kesha The Harold Song lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/kesha-the-harold-song-lyrics.html

I swear to God that it was the best night of my life.
Or when you took me, across the world,
We promised this would last forever but now I see.
It was my past life.
A beautiful time.
Drunk off of nothing but each other till the sunlight. Drunk off of nothing but each other till the sunlight.

[Chorus]
They say that true love hurts,
Well this could almost kill me. Young love murder,
That is what this must be.
And I would give it all,
To not be sleeping alone.
The life is fading from me,
While you watch my heart bleed. Young love murder,
That is what this this must be.
And I would give is all,
To not be sleeping alone.

[Bridge]
It was the past life.
A beautiful time.
Drunk off of nothing but each other till the sunlight.

[Chorus]
They say that true love hurts,
Well this could almost kill me. Young love murder, that is what this must be.
And I would give it all, to not be sleeping alone. The life is fading from me, while you watch my heart bleed.
Young love murder, that is what this this must be. And I would give is all, to not be sleeping alone.

I'm right there with her words. I'm in the pocket. And I did not expect such a moving story and portrait of love and loss from her.

Love.

Sometimes you know what you're looking for, but you don't know who it'll look like.

I know I'm looking for love. Not in the overzealous kind of way, but it stays in the back of my head. I know I'll get it because I'm giving it away every day of my life through the way I smile, the way I breathe, and the way I am.

I'm okay with letting go. These past couple of months, I've been kept on my toes on what it means to feel.

I went to China faced with a dilemma. Decide. Decide to take a chance on someone who gave me mixed feelings because he had to ask for forgiveness from the start. Or someone else who gave me mixed feelings because although he is a great friend, his strong feelings and timing felt wrong to my instincts.

My trip to China was ... everything. :) That's the only word to describe it.

When I stepped on American soil I knew what I had to do. Of course I let time settle so I would prevent any rash decision making to occur.

I'm in the middle of living true to myself and taking action according to that principle. One thing I always keep in the back of my head is that sometimes the pursuit of love is the same as getting the career you desire or the item you want in a bustling shopping center of peddlers. You can allow yourself to be distracted by what's out there, or you can go for what you want.

Additionally, it may be hard to say no to someone when they're so kind, and when they've done nothing wrong, but when it comes to matters of the heart, it's a different story. I'm a compromising person everywhere else in my life, but when it comes to who gets my heart, I will be ruthless. :)