Friday, July 16, 2010


This movie rocked my face off. I feel so incredibly inspired.


I've been going through the most brutal ~23 days of my life. I've been in love with a boy.

Sure it's been good in the sense that I feel ALIVE - but it's been terrible in the sense that I absolutely know my worth, and can read body language like it's no one else's business. I know that he may be interested, as he shows positive signs towards me, but I know for a fact he is really into a friend of mine. Sure, that priority can change. But in the meantime, I need to pull myself together and I haven't. I'm not beating myself up, just recognizing the situation first. It's being able to say no to invitations, when I know he'll be there and others, and have a good time without any dependencies.

I thought I could coach myself to not have expectations. For a while that worked. I would smile and relish every moment I had with him. But what happened when he and her would interact? It would be like an earthquake would break my heart. It may sound melodramatic, but this is what I felt.

I changed my approach. I tried to be more assertive and to just wear my feelings on my sleeve. I did. But there's a quote I abide by religiously. Never give up, but never be unwilling to face the facts of your reality, no matter how brutal. The reality was, he views me as a good friend. In this present moment, that is the reality. The future, whatever it holds, is its own fortune.

This movie has lead me to change my approach. I need to pull the trigger, no matter how painful it is. -spoilers start here-

I have to shoot, like Cobb shoots Moll. Cobb doesn't want to. He wants to live in the fabricated reality, an eternity with his wife that couldn't draw the line from reality and fantasy. As an extractor, he often goes and discovers invaluable information stored in dreams. His Achilles Heel was his wife, who even in these dreams, he fell for, and like clockwork, she would sabotage him. It almost compromised his capabilities as an extractor. So he is stuck in a limbo that's more dangerous than the one described in the film. Instead of having one's subconscious remain stuck, he is rationally remaining stuck. I am in a conscious limbo, and every day I've been focused on the outcome of this falsehood. It is a day I could be really LIVING, free from any kind of reciprocity. At the end of the film, one can interpret whether or not he pulled the trigger, to leave Moll and to resurrect himself to be with his children and have a life free of guilt. I believe he did. I believe the optimists of the world will believe he is free with his children, living the life he wants.

I am an optimist and I believe in myself. I believe I can pull the trigger. I'll have to figuratively shoot him. With a gun. Let him die. So that I can live. I know that this false world where he and I are together, is a world I must depart. Now.

I've constructed this world for less than a month. But like dreams, life when you're under the influence of pure emotion is a lifetime. I am strong. I will be courageous and do something that will hurt in the short term. I will let him go. I will say no, and live my life like it was before him. I'm Free, and it really feels like it this time.

No comments:

Post a Comment