Shocked.

I had a 'meh' interview with a professional services firm at 8:30-9:30am.

As I waited in the line at Wendy's, craving a hot chili afterward, I was told I had to wait until 10am to get it. 20 minutes of waiting. :) This sounded familiar to the situation that I've been going through. And the last leg of the tortuous anticipation to come: I had to wait til 11:30 this morning to get word back from my supervisor about... something. I had no idea it would be good or bad news.

I pulled out all of my defensive reserves. I realized, I used to have a state of mind that didn't let any externals influence my sense of self. I knew who I was and my worth. I knew that I'd be okay, no matter what happened. As long as I was alive, things would be okay. Those that would judge me on the job offers I got would be friends that I would have to go on without. It was a scary thought process. Being strong is scary, because you start to realize that this strength changes your life and the attitude you take on. It was hard. I knew from a business point of view, Chevron could pass on me for a lot of reasons. Downsizing. Budgets. My skills not fitting a particular need.

Needless to say, there were a lot of demons in my head. And the 11:30am phone call only added to them. But when you can't, you must. So I prepared for my emotional state that I would need for the phone call, and braced myself.

At around 11:32, I got the call. I had taken a 40 minute nap, and told myself countless affirmations, but still I was not prepared for what was to come.

I picked up the phone promptly, and she told me she ran to call me since she knew I would be waiting. That was true. :) She said, I'm just going to cut to the chase: We'd like to extend you an offer to work for ETC in the PMO. She said a little bit more about that, but I still... couldn't wrap my head around it. I was shocked.

I was also very excited too. I gave my verbal offer of acceptance. Our weekend's were made. Our days were made. This is a decision that will impact the next .. few years of my life at least. We quickly got off the phone, as she had a very busy Friday to take care of, and I had some major thinking to do.

I started making phone calls. I started texting. I started twittering. But I didn't just disemminate it to the entire world via Facebook. When the papers are signed, then I'll have more faith. Actually, when I walk in the door, I'll have the utmost faith. But I am truly truly happy.

As I talked with companies left and right throughout this whole process, I felt myself comparing and feeling as if companies came up short to what they could offer me.

I'm proud to be with a company that treats its employees as human beings with proper benefits, opportunities for growth, development, travel opportunities, and concern for my health (with ergonomics and such).

This day was very cathartic. But it's made me realize despite the offer in my hands, I need to do more exercises in the attitudes I project and really not letting any externals affect me. This process has made my shield of inpenetrable self-esteem crack, and that's not what I know of myself. "I'm strong, I'm powerful, I'm a leader!"