Tuesday, December 28, 2010


Most of my blogs are about the present times, but this one goes back to the archives - the past. It was inspired by a dance number on So You Think You Can Dance, performed by Neil and Kent. [Link here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blG2O2omEd4]

The piece is about relationships and the deterioration of one, with betrayal. In the routine, there are just certain parts that capture the emotion so well. Neil and Kent are standing with their arms around the other's shoulders. Neil ducks under his arm and leaves him behind.

There's also the part where Neil strums his hand in anticipation and blood lust before he backstabs Kent; I can't even begin to describe how real that was.

It couldn't get more real when Kent started to fight back.

A year ago, right before the clock struck midnight, I had a choice. I could start 2010 on my terms, or I could start on his.

I scrolled over his name, saw his number, and for a long time, I knew this moment was coming. Dozens of times, I just set the phone on lock and paced around, gripping the phone in hand like it had a trigger.

My cousin, normally upbeat and lighthearted, said with a somber and understanding voice, "Just call him. Start the year off right."

I walked outside to the garage and the crisp air bit me. I exhaled and pressed his name. I heard all of the rings and heard the lifeless automatic voicemail message. My message was unassuming, full of congratulations for the new year and hope, placing my best foot forward as if it'd be my last. With dignity.

Relief set in. I did all I could do. I was still bright eyed.

The days past by. There was never a call.

I started out with such belief and hope. I knew his habits, and I felt, as a symbol of positivity and strength, I was magnetic enough to draw him in to overcome any of his doubts and pessimism. The time that passed began to speak louder than the precious moments we had. While my body screamed in anguish, my heart galvanized itself with strength better than I could have ever orchestrated with intellect. My bright eyes returned but they were different.

I had no idea that he would slip from under my arm, thinking we stood side by side all along. I didn't realize it'd hurt so much when he made a conscious choice to disappear.

Like in the dance routine, I fought back and I got closure on my own terms. I said in 2010, there would be no patience for disrespect when it came to my heart.

Sincerely, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

No comments:

Post a Comment